The Disappearing Child

People are choosing not to have kids, with tragic consequences.

A chosen, childless lifestyle is all the rage right now. Fertility rates in the United States are at an all-time low and those numbers won't be improving anytime soon. Social media is to blame, at least in part, for creating the illusion that a life free of the responsibilities of being a parent is the ideal path. And an unknown number of young adults are choosing not to become parents because of current and future financial strain. These decisions have a lasting impact on not only their lives but on their larger family dynamic and society as a whole. 

According to Pew Research, fertility rates have plummeted since the post-World War II Baby Boom. Starting in roughly the mid-1960s, the numbers began to steadily decline. By the early 2000s, numbers were again on the rise, albeit at a gradual climb. Then it changed again: "The Great Recession marked another turning point; fertility had slowly climbed in the years leading up to 2008 before tumbling." Needless to say, the culture has shifted since The Great Recession into an even more egocentric version than the one before. The focus on "self" has always existed. However, the trend of living one's life exposed to an online world, with curated content, is new. Now, even if you aren't a so-called "influencer" your attitudes are affected by them. 

Social contagion is very real. We see it in the data. The number of LGBTQ+ adults in the United States now stands at 7.6%. According to Gallup, "The current figure is up from 5.6% four years ago and 3.5% in 2012, Gallup’s first year of measuring sexual orientation and transgender identity." Additionally, mental health is worsening. The levels are quite alarming, as indicated by the bi-yearly polling of high school students: "The most recent data, from 2021, was stunning: 42% 'experienced persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness,' up from 28% in 2011. And 22% 'seriously considered attempting suicide,' up from 16% in 2011. While the 2021 data might reflect some of the most difficult months of the pandemic, the trends were apparent before 2021." These numbers clearly show a trend toward a more introspective society that is consumed by restlessness. Anxiety is a feature, not a bug. There is a thirst to find identification in a world that seems to have a label for everything. Also, while we are more technologically connected than ever before, our sense of loneliness has increased. 

These and other factors greatly impact whether or not adults want to or plan to start a family. It's not good news. Replacement level rates are abysmal. And the United States isn't alone in this struggle: "Now the rest of the developed world is looking more and more like Japan. According to a report issued in 2019 by the United Nations Population Fund, half of the world’s population lives in countries where the fertility rate has fallen below the 'replacement rate' of 2.1 births per woman." 

Among those on the right side of the aisle, there is a renewed interest in a traditional lifestyle. Some percentage of this seems to be more about personal, influencer-type branding. Presenting oneself as the alternative to modern sensibilities is certainly not a negative thing. But transforming America into a place with more children and families requires personal motivation. It's one thing to admire those who have a brood of children as they broadcast their adventures online. It's quite another thing to commit to that kind of lifestyle. While there are so many rewards in parenthood, the duty is both large and real. It is nothing like the somehow glamorous, perfectly edited lives of the biggest Instagram stars. 

One aspect of falling fertility rates that is often overlooked is how it removes grandparenthood from those who were expecting or hoping for it. A recent New York Times article titled The Unspoken Grief of Never Becoming a Grandparent delves into this sadness. And truly, it is a mournful stage for those who experienced the joy of parenthood and long for a future that includes grandkids. Ironically, part of parenthood is understanding that you're raising individuals who will make their own decisions someday. And when those decisions don't align with your own, the product is bittersweet. 

Lydia Birk, 56...loved being a stay-at-home mother, and filled her family’s home with books. She hoped one day to be a “cool” grandma who would share her favorite stories with a new generation. 

But none of her children want to have kids. And though that decision is “right for them,” Ms. Birk said, it still breaks her heart. “I don’t have young children anymore, and now I’m not going to have grandchildren,” she said. “So that part of my life is just over.” 

Like Ms. Birk, a growing number of Gen Xers and baby boomers are facing the sometimes painful fact that they are never going to become grandparents. A little more than half of adults 50 and older had at least one grandchild in 2021, down from nearly 60 percent in 2014. Amid falling birthrates, more U.S. adults say they’re unlikely to ever have children for a variety of reasons, chief among them: They just don’t want to.

Most of these young adults who aren't interested in seeing their parents become grandparents have subscribed to the DINK mindset. The term DINK is not new, but its use is on the rise on social media. DINK stands for "double income no kids" and is praised on places like TikTok. The DINK lifestyle is one that resembles the ultimate freedom: money and time. Unsurprisingly, those who are most likely to embrace the DINK attitude is the youngest generation: "Of the various generations polled, Gen Z was the most likely generation to want to be a DINK (32% compared to 18% of millennials, 19% of Gen X and 11% of boomers and up)." One of the many problems with this attitude is that it assumes the best wealth in life is of the monetary kind. In fact, many of those ascribing to a DINK lifestyle may have seen their parents struggle, skimp, and save. While hardship is a part of many families, even if for a season, that is no reason to ultimately reject a family of your own because of that. While sacrifices of the financial and time kind will have to be made, the current and future rewards are abundant. 

There are numerous reasons why there is a low fertility rate in the United States. And it will take more than one thing to bring the rate back up to well above replacement levels. But doing so is beneficial to individuals and families (among other things, children are often caregivers for their elderly parents), communities, and the country as a whole. It benefits our economy, labor force, industry, and work environments. The effects of a low rate are more detrimental than the temporary comforts of a child-free life. But ultimately, individuals will have to choose parenthood. No one can do that for them. 

As a 42-year-old mother to two boys, 8 and 4, I can safely say parenthood is the best thing I'll do. My husband feels the same. The path to this point took longer thanks to educational pursuits and infertility issues. But now that I'm here, I can honestly say I wish I had more children. 

For those who decide to put off having children indefinitely, they may well come to regret it one day once that door is finally closed. And it will close. Unfortunately, society is teaching teenagers and young adults that a life without children leads to happiness. If anything, a modern-day culture awash in self-centered pursuits unequivocally and continuously proves itself wrong.