Women Can't Have It All

It's long past time to treat motherhood as equal to a life of work.

The question "can women have it all?" is a popular one bandied about in these modern times. The subject matter elicits a strong response no matter which side of the political, cultural, or religious side of the aisle someone is on. And why shouldn't it? Women make up slightly more than 50% of the population of the United States. The college enrollment gap between men and women has widened. Millions more women than men are in college. As far as college completion is concerned, women outpace men in that regard. According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics data from 2022, "67.9 percent of men ages 25 and older were employed, compared with 55.4 percent of women." But when comparing workforce and education levels, the higher up the employee ladder of education, the gap between male and female begins to close in dramatic fashion. 

Women are neither sidelined in the office nor in the classroom. They contribute at impressive levels in areas of education, business, healthcare, science, and government, to name a few. Still, wondering if one can have it all is a question posed to and directed toward females far more than it is to males. And it's no secret as to why this is the case. 

Enter: motherhood. 

Despite what the most extreme gender warriors preach, only biological women can carry and birth children. A society wholly consumed with viewing men and women as equal treats this inconvenient truth as a burden. But men and women are not equal. There are inherent physical, mental, and emotional differences which define us. Men and women complement one another in both personal and professional settings. Far too often, however, men and women are told we must be in conflict. Listen to a self-described Progressive and you'll hear them scoff at the injustice of the natural state. Disregard the fact that men and women are equal under the law. That is just a side distraction. The real and ever-present frustration is the mere fact that males and females possess dissimilar bodies and brains. Physical strengths and cognitive structures vary, but this doesn't mean one is worth more than the other. Attempts to view either males or females as less than is nothing short of sexism. It doesn't require an embrace of third-wave feminism to reach this conclusion. 

The biological differences between the sexes set women apart to not only bear but often raise and nurture the children. Even in households where duties are somewhat equally shared, certain significant responsibilities fall to women. The constraints of parenthood, and the time-consuming focus required with motherhood, can create a sense of dissatisfaction. It’s one thing to internalize and work through this struggle privately. It’s another thing entirely when secular culture, political leaders, and a movement designed to propagate enmity between the sexes fosters that dark feeling. 

"Can women have it all? If they can't, it's because they're saddled with children. And that's unfair. What about a purpose beyond the family?"

Just how much can women achieve, you ask? Well, that's directly connected to how much women contribute to the societal structure outside the family home. When calculating a woman's worth, one must take into consideration whether or not they give their skills and abilities to non-family related causes. If their entire existence is in the antiquated pursuits of child-rearing and homemaking, then their value is considered low. Their husband and children appreciate the unpaid labor, but the wide world as a whole does not and most of all, should not. 

This is what we're told by some of the loudest voices on the political and cultural left. And it is poison. 

The ideas relating to women, specifically mothers, and their larger worth are not new. They were sown by the radicals who preached an early feminism. To be sure, there is nothing wrong - and everything to be celebrated - in treating women as legal and cultural equals with the ability to vote, own property, and the like. Employee provisions that protect against discrimination and low pay on the basis of sex are things to praise. But, as others have pointed out, not everything associated with first-wave feminism was healthy. Some of the philosophies of the early leaders have morphed into what we see before us as modern discontentment. Charlotte Perkins Gilman, a writer, humanist, and feminist pioneer, wrote extensively about how motherhood stole full potential from women. In her 1898 book Women and Economics, she wrote the following: 

"Is this the condition of human motherhood? Does the human mother, by her motherhood, thereby lose control of brain and body, lose power and skill and desire for any other work? Do we see before us the human race, with all its females segregated entirely to the uses of motherhood, consecrated, set apart, specially developed, spending every power of their nature on the service of their children?"

"In spite of her supposed segregation to maternal duties, the human female, the world over, works at extra-maternal duties for hours enough to provide her with an independent living, and then is denied independence on the ground that motherhood prevents her working!"

The revolutionary, even shocking concepts of some early feminists read as a regular social media screed now. Gilman, who believed "motherhood made it 'impossible for women to achieve their potential' " is just as incorrect as her present-day counterparts. If motherhood keeps women from fulfilling a higher purpose, then remove that, or at least denigrate it, and women can have it all. Right? The answer is a resounding no. The adherents of this mentality either chide women for latching themselves to children or preach the concept of having everything at the same time. They do not want to admit or accept this one big truth: women can't have it all. (Neither can men, but that's an entirely different essay.) 

With an increased rate of women in college and the workplace, we're systematically lulled into thinking access to education and employment are the keys to a fulfilling life. Much good can come from earning a college degree. The same is true of full-time employment which is both financially beneficial and personally rewarding. But using those things which exist solely outside the home as a measure of success and contentment does a great disservice to women as a whole. Not all women are mothers. Not all women want to be mothers. Not all women can be mothers. The same applies to higher education and/or employment. Not all women want it, need it, or pursue it. The question "can women have it all?" supposes women can be excellent, attentive, available mothers while existing as dedicated, diligent employees in their chosen field. It surmises that at all times, 100% is possible in areas of home and work. And if a woman can't live up to this inexecutable standard, it's either her fault or the fault of a patriarchal society.  

"Having it all" is truly an impossible task, no matter how much enthusiasm or dedication a woman shows to her different roles. Since this is the reality of the situation, it is high time to stop pushing women to an unattainable goal. It goes beyond that, though. Far too many treat women who don't work outside the home as not fully contributing to society or withering away at the wheel of motherhood while their talents lie in waste. 

For those of us who have children but who also spend time on other pursuits, the call of motherhood is the main pull on both our time and our hearts. It is the part of our lives that requires a 24-hour dedication. It is not so much noticed by the world as it is appreciated within the walls of our home. Raising and loving our children has a lasting effect that extends well into their own adulthood. The children we rear impact society in incalculable ways. 

There is nothing wrong with just motherhood. There is nothing wrong with just a career. There is nothing wrong with combining the two, if a woman chooses. But women can't have it all and never could, no matter what popular sentiment says. Because of our biology, women must make different choices if they start a family. But the family part of the equation remains the most important pursuit of all. 

No, women can't have it all. That's not a product of the patriarchy or 21st-Century oppression. It is just reality. And it is enough.